Coffee Talk with the Malk

Holiday 5-Pack?

2009-03-19T10:42:00.000-07:00

*Markko is seen off stage talking to a woman who slaps him and then walks off in a huff. Then he spins around with a smile.*

Hello everyone and welcome to Coffee Talk. Don't mind her, I don't...she is upset I wont buy her a Porsche...and she is the producer...Did I say that out load? I suppose I did, when one thinks of what they say they speak in words that can be heard when you speak.

Now we have quite a show for you, Auntie has actually shown up, just for an interview though. No pop-tarts, toasters are off the list as of late anyway. Poor Karl is still claimgin to be getting mental help from that...but the police think differently.

*He looks around...*

Your secret is safe with me Karl...

*where Karl promptly flips him off.*

Asshole..

*The camera pans to Auntie now...and Markko starts asking questions.*

So you have been in the city a while, a lot of people know you?

" I am so happy to be here with you. Although many may not understand your show, I am happy that it is on the air.

What has made me famous in Midian is my great cookies and of course my ice cream."

*Markko smirks as the camera pans to him.*

I am sure you are known for other things...Your bright coloured dresses people see you in on the street have a tendancy for being short.

"Are you saying something?"

Well what is your dress saying, that you are looking for something?

"I do not engage in sex in Midian."

*Markko grins deviously.*

So where do you go to engage in sex then? There are times you often cannot be found.

*Auntie narrows her eyes.*

"That isn't proper Mr. Markko...next question. Maybe I can't find anyone worthy, some young man asked to get in my panties the other day, I said I already have one asshole in there, I dont need another."

*Markko chuckles and moves on.*

So what do you think about the loss of Miss Jade Steele?

"I don't care what anyone says, I still think the the "I'm the Mayor and if you don't like it, blow me" is behind the disappearance of our lovely Mayor jade and I will keep working to prove that."

*Markko nods.*

I agree with you she is lovely...and I hope she is found, she owes me a date. One should not agree to something that they are not intending on following through...this disappearance is no excuse and I wont have it.

*Some noise happens behind the camera as is spins to the side...and Markko speaks out.*

Tom what is going on? * a punch is heard* It is James, asshole and this fucker pissed me off.

*more punches as James attacks an audience member, and Markko speaking over it.*

He was just being honest, your sister is a tramp...We have all done her...even Auntie.

*The sound fades and the image to black as a fight ensues and James' being thrown from a balcony window. And Auntie reproaching the remark and throwing a glass at Markko's head.*

Disclaimer that fades in:

We at the network in no way condone this behaviour, treatment to guests or pop-tarts. Although we do realize James' sister really is a tramp, she is the producer the host may or may not be sleeping with, how do you think he got the job. The host will also be charged for all damage, including the water glass that smashed across the back of his head. Look for next weeks episode.

Four on the Floor

2009-03-11T06:05:00.000-07:00

*A woman's voice carries out over the audience.*

Time for Coffee Talk with your host Markko.

*seen asleep in the chair, and then the woman bellows into the mic.*

Markko!

*causing him to jolt awake and speak.*

Whoa....hi. I was uh, working on something. Welcome to Coffee Talk. How is everyone? How what do you mean how, we are working on what. Well how is usually why what is what. Now you are bringing why into this? Why, What, How, they all relate. Why is the motivation as to what is what is what. Without it What would never be and How could never have happened, but, we are still trying to discover what What exactly is and then Why and How will ensue, what is what and why is what and how what and why came to be what it is. And then...where. *grumbles.* When we get into that one...When is now, right now, not before now, now now, after before, and before later, now. You'll get it...

*with an audible sigh heard from the camera man after the hosts conversation with someone, about somethings to himself with someone else that he was speaking to that wsa himself ended.*

Can we move on here?

*Markko looks to the camera.*

Sure Tom...Moving on.

*camera man speaks out.*

The name is James...learn it, asshole.

*ignoring the man as usual.*

Today I have something nice planned, under your chairs you will find 3 day old pop-tart something or others cooked up by none other than Auntie Bake-Sale Community Servicing Center, she is late or something was supposed to be here, but maybe she got caught up in a gang-bake or something. We don't know but she may show, and share some of her recipes and stories with us. Despite being as unpredictable as her bowel movements, hopefully she will join us before the show ends.

*he waves to the other side of the stage to a man in a tank, juggling toasters.*

In the mean time we have Renaldo, Underwater Juggler....Many of you think that musn't be very hard, water slowing them down, well watch this...Karl, through in another toaster.

*The scene goes to a man fumbling looking for a toaster then offstage he throws a toaster from a counter top, and the juggler lets out a muffled scream that is cut off by sparks and bubbles.*

Shit Karl, that was plugged in! It really lit up his act though. *he moves infront of the scene.* Now words from our sponsor...

*cutting to commercial 'indefinately' it repeats something about Gopher Cakes, and then the fade to black and the disclaimer.*

**Notice of Disclaim. We at the network do not regard anything that goes on with this show to be of value, nor do we take responsibility, we only air because you watch this crap, and the host may or may not be sleeping with a producer, but please bare with us, we are having technical difficulties and will return as soon as possible.**

Episode Thr33 - The Pigeon Whisperer

2009-03-06T06:18:00.000-08:00

*Camera fades in at the stage Markko rummaging through a box and then the announcer's voice.*

Welcome to Coffee Talk with your host Markko.

*grumbles as he turns to look over his shoulder off stage*

Damnit Elle, Where the hell did you put my Department of Redundancy Department ID badge?

*female voice off camera.*

You're live...asshole.

*He flips her off and then turns to look at the audience with a bright smile.*

Hello all welcome to Coffee Talk. I apologize for the late edition, but...issues with finding a camera operator who actually operates and doesn't quit during the show.

*He nods to the current camera operator.*

Thanks Tom.

*Off camera voice.*

My names James...asshole.

*Focus goes back to the host.*

We have something interesting planned for you today, we are going to speak to a woman who claims to speak to pigeons, Midian City pigeons.

*A woman comes in and sits, of course Markko checks her out.*

So you talk to pigeons?, yeah, thats great, but...uh why? Why on earth would you talk to a rat with wings? I mean its a dirty nasty thing and a waste of air to breath, I mean, gross. Are you some kind of freak? Freak? I was called a freak once, I talked about things people didn't understand and they thought I was weird, it makes no sense. You know what I am talking about you are a pigeon eater. Where did you find you had this...ability.

*growls*

Lets not start this again, I didn't say to talk about where, we are still working on what, and where would come. Don't you ever listen to anything I say? Why are you doing this? Now that is a good question why? Why why? Why is because of what is when is and where is, without why we would have none of those, so why is why is why is is is, So when we know why which we do which is why things are that is because we is, that is why, why. Get it.? Why is because...its simple.

*the woman stands and slaps him.*

What the hell are you talking about? I thought I was asked to be on this show to talk about my pigeon whispering, not you rambling on about journalism...asshole.

*Looking at her bewildered, and then letting out a breath as she leaves.*

What a rotten bitch. Fuck, now you want to talk about what? I thought we went over this too. What is what is when it applies to something that is a what rather than being an is, which is explained by a why that is because of what it is when it is and why it is when.

*Camera man's voice is heard before the fade away, no announcer anything.*

What in the fuck....

Episode II - The Chef

2009-02-27T05:46:00.000-08:00

The announcer's voice rings out over the crowd...

Time for Coffee Talk...And enter your host Markko.... *Nothing happens, no one appears, no one* Markko?

*a few more seconds pass and he comes through a door on the other side of the stage area that appeared to have been a storage room.*

Hello all, and welcome to Coffee Talk, I'm your host, Markko.

We were going to cover pop-tart recipes today, but our chef, bat-shit crazy bastard as he is, kind of killed himself trying to construct, what he called a lightsaber to cook pop-tarts with. Something to do with unstable thermal release of energy through the lack of chemical inhibitors in the reaction to release the beam...in other words he blew the fuck up. *shrugs*

Moving on...where might you ask? Not this again...didn't you figure this out the first time, its what not where, we will get there after we get what is. Yeah yeah, what it is bro...huh? What are you talking about? Exactly.

*he continues to ramble on to someone, with someone over something.*

You're really starting to piss me off. Well that's your problem and it is starting to sound messy. Fuck you (bleep), lets get back to the show eh.

Sure. Since our cooking episode has been dunked, lets get back to the chimps at the airport...

*Shows a clip of crazed primates trying to dry hump a security x-ray machine.*

...And there you have it, I don't understand why they didn't let those guys on the plane. It is standard procedure.

*A new voice is heard, off camera.* You've got to be fucking(Bleep) kidding me. I quit...

*The view angle of the camera gets spun to the side and it is somehow focused in on a sign, Office of the Department of Redundancy Department. Markko is heard speaking again.*

Thats all for today folks, See you next week.

*Thinking he is now off the air.*

Fuck you dirty asshole, quit in the middle of a show....Can we get another camera man please?

Fade out to disclaimer...

**Network Television Disclaimer - The ideas and views expressed by the host do not reflect those of the network or its staff. This is merely for your entertainment (or annoyance) and do not by any means attempt to speak with this man publicly or otherwise. No responsibility is taken for loss of wits or patience. P.S. We are also in constant search for a skilled camera operator.**

Episode One; Establishing Presence

2009-02-23T05:10:00.000-08:00

Welcome all to Coffee Talk...with uh, him, or me...something.

I wanted to start with how simple things in life can cause fantastical results like, How entire families can be ripped apart by something as simple as a pack of wolves.

That will get us no where...where. I am still looking for what I left not to mention where. Where? I just went over this stop asking me. *looks back to his adoring audience*

Now we were talking about what? Yes, what I lost. Something ado about nothing...I think. Nothing is complicated, especially when it is right there infront of you. It is all over the place really. Sort of like the negative space of Something, Who is to say what is negative and positive? We better not get into who, we are still working on what. That may be wise...No it is singular, why, say it with me why.

Again we were where? *grumbles audibly* Are you ever going to listen to me, we are talking about what, we will get to where once we know what, then where to look for what should be easy , but trying to find out what is important, I think, otherwise we won't know what we are saying or looking for before we go to where to look when we know what it is we are looking for...*pauses and looks bewildered*

Did you just say when? Well, um...right now, I don't care if we are still making the episode, it has been released before we finished filming....yes like in that movie, SpaceGentialia or whatever its called. It had something to do with a pizza hut delivery guy or something.

*pauses again and thinks...*

Alright where were we? *appears to look annoyed but says nothing for a moment* Back to what. I think it is, yep you can't have what without an is first.

*A camera man is heard cursing and saying 'I quit..fuck this maniac.' Then looks at the camera as it is now off kilter with a nervous smile and then his watch and then the camera again.*

That is all the time we have for today, see you next week when we discuss a chimpanzee's rites of passage through airport security while wearing Def Leopard concert t-shirts. Bye all.

**Network Television Disclaimer - The ideas and views expressed by the host do not reflect those of the network or its staff. This is merely for your entertainment (clearly bored) and do not by any means attempt to speak with this man publicly or otherwise. No responsibility is taken for loss of wits or patience.**